26_A Gentleman's Guide to Tattoos

The other day, a friend of mine was telling me about a time a few weeks ago when she was waiting for an elevator with another woman and a man.  When the elevator came, the man held the door for the two of them, pressed the buttons for them once inside and held the door on the way out.  She was impressed by how gentlemanly the man acted.  That lead me to think of matters of etiquette and outdated they are.  A few years back, my dad bought me and my brothers a book called "How to be a Gentleman" for Christmas.  It is a nice book, but it deals mostly with dinner parties and high society.

Now I do not know a lot about proper etiquette, but there is one area that I do know about:  tattoos.  And so, I offer to you:

The Gentleman's Guide to Tattoos

For Those Who Do Not Have Tattoos:

- A gentleman never asks to see someone else's tattoos unless he is genuinely interested in viewing the artwork.

- A gentleman never asks to read the writing on a woman's tattoos.

- A gentleman never asks to see a tattoo simply as a pickup line, and he certainly does not ask to see a tattoo as a means of making a woman expose herself.

- If a gentleman is interested in the meaning behind a tattoo or the reason for getting the tattoo, the gentleman first asks if there is a reason.  If the answer is no, the gentleman drops the subject.  If the answer is yes, the gentleman waits for the tattooed party to offer their story.  If the story is not offered, the gentleman does not pry.

- A gentleman does his best not to ask questions that he probably already knows the answer to.  For example, he does not ask someone "Don't tattoos hurt?", knowing full well that anything that involves needles probably hurts.

- A gentleman never judges another by the quantity or quality of another's tattoos.  Although, if someone is prominently displaying tattoos that contain racist, homophobic or profane images, the gentleman would probably do best to avoid their company.

- A gentleman does not rant on over the reasons that he does not have a tattoo.

When Getting a Tattoo:

- A gentleman is discerning about where he goes for his tattoos and makes sure that the shop is well-organized and follows the appropriate steps to ensure the safety of its clients.

- No matter how many tattoos the gentleman plans on getting, he starts small to ensure that he can actually stand the tattooing process.

- A gentleman understands that the more reference materials he brings, the more say he has in the artwork.  If he does not have any reference materials, but just a vague idea of what he wants, he understands that it is in the hands of the artist.
- A gentleman understands that the artist knows better than he does in terms of placement, size and content.  If the artist suggests something different than what the gentleman had in mind, he does not argue, but rather works on a fair compromise.

- A gentleman does not get tattoos that have racist or homophobic meanings and he only gets tattoos with profanity or nudity when there is clear artistic merit, such as a faithful reproduction of a famous piece of art.

- A gentleman is extremely reluctant to get someone else's name tattooed on his body, unless he is related to that person by blood, married to them or is memorializing that person.
- A gentleman does not jeopardize his job prospects or his career with the placement of a tattoo and, should his job require it, he is happy to cover them at all times.  If the gentleman is not happy with those restrictions, he does not complain or try and force the issue.  Instead he looks for a different job.

- A gentleman always tips his tattoo artist, the standard rate being about 20%, especially if the gentleman wishes to maintain a relationship with that artist.

- A gentleman may give a personal gift to his artist as a tip (such as a bottle of wine instead of cash), but only with the following conditions:  the artist owns their own shop or works out of a private studio; and never before the second session, or without a prior agreement having been made.

For Those With Tattoos:

- A gentleman never exposes himself in public to show off a tattoo.

- A gentleman never shows his tattoos to someone who has not expressed interest in them.

- A gentleman never brags about how long he sat for his tattoos or how well he handled the pain.

- If a gentleman is asked about the reasons for his tattoos and he does not wish to tell the interested party, he is polite in his dismissal:  "There is a reason, but I don't want to talk about it right now."

- A gentleman never criticizes the quality of another's tattoos.  If the tattooed party admits that it was a mistake ("I shouldn't have gotten this tramp stamp, but I was young and stupid.") then the gentleman may offer his own artist or shop to fix or cover up the offending tattoo, but he does not bring the subject up again.

- If someone expresses interest in the gentleman's tattoos, he may give out the name of his shop and artist, but only if that artist is currently taking on new work.

- Kid

25_A Bit of Humor: The Politics of Cats and Dogs

I'm surprised something like this hasn't already popped up on my Facebook newsfeed.  It's possible that it did, but I simply ignored it or overlooked it because there wasn't a cute picture accompanying it.

I started to think about the two most popular things that do happen to pop up on my Facebook newsfeed:  political rants and funny/cute pictures involving cats and dogs.  That got me thinking:  "if cats and dogs had politics, which would be the democrat and which would be the republican?"  After about ten seconds of thought, it was clear that the cat would be on the side of the GOP and the dog would be barking "Yes we can" over and over again.

I share with you my findings below to illustrate how that would be:

Appearance:
Dogs:  Come in all shapes and sizes from a multiplicity of different breeds and different socio-economic backgrounds.
Cats:  Much more uniform, except for color and length of hair.  Black ones are the subject of much superstition.

Work Ethic:
Dogs:  Eager to get things done, but usually end up chasing their own tails.
Cats:  Once in the house, they're really not big fans of accomplishing much of anything.

The War on Drugs:
Dogs:  Love the grass, man.
Cats:  Don't even care for catnip.

Immigration:
Dogs:  Welcome everyone in, including criminals, sometimes.
Cats:  Extremely wary of any visitor from the outside.

Entitlements:
Dogs:  Try to give you gifts, even when that just creates more of a mess.
Cats:  Have their place on the down comforter and don't care where or how well you sleep.

The Economy:
Dogs:  BIG fans of the auto industry.  (Especially the people who make the windows go down.)
Cats:  Tend to exploit people for their personal comfort.

Gay Rights:
Dogs:  Believe all should be able to hump all.
Cats:  Not even comfortable with petting, sometimes.

The War on Terror/Foreign Policy:
Dogs:  Can bark the bark, but rarely bite the bite.
Cats:  BIG fans of going out into the world and acting aggressive towards the locals.

Gun Control:
Dogs:  Always willing to bring gun victims to the attention of gun owners.
Cats:  LOVE hunting.

Compromise:
Dogs:  Willing to eat whatever the cat spits out.
Cat:  Don't understand why we need the dog in the first place.

Working With Each Other:
Dogs:  "Maybe that cat will be my friend!"
Cat:  *Hits dog on the nose*
- 5 minutes later -
Dogs:  "Maybe that cat will be my friend!"
Cat:  *Hits dog on the nose*
(ad infinitum)

So there you have it.  I'm sorry to my staunchly Democratic parents, but it looks like you've been shacked up with two hardcore right wingers all this time.  Next time maybe get a poodle.

Join me next time on A Bit of Humore, where we discuss the extreme Libertarian leanings of the honey badger.

- Kid